Fuzzy Math

In the town of Burlington, North Carolina, you can find a little redneck bar[1] called Buffalo’s. Buffalo’s stands out in Burlington for only one reason, as far as I can tell: it is actually open until 2 A.M.[2] One January night, I stopped in this horrible, little dive for a Miller Lite. Of course, that Miller Lite turned out to be four. After my fourth, I decided to pretend to be a responsible person and ask for my tab, and here is what I was told:

“Those four Miller Lites are three bucks a piece…unless you drink a fifth; then your bill will come to $10.68.”

That, my friends, is an excellent example of fuzzy math.

By looking at all the people I know in this world, I can get a pretty accurate cross-section of Americana. I know waiters and doctors and teachers and engineers and salesman and students and construction workers and on and on; folks who come from money and those who have never had any; gay men and fat women and everything in between. Catholics and atheists and Jews and Muslims[3], both practicing and not-all this diversity should allow me to understand patterns in the larger populace by examining the habits of those close to me.

According to this logic, roughly 71% of the American public snort cocaine on a regular basis. 60% used unhealthy amounts of ecstasy in college, and 100% have smoked pot at least ten times[4]. 82% of folks only drink on days that end in ‘y,’ and 39% of those people think it is perfectly safe to drive extremely drunk with a cup of wine in the cup holder, as long as it is done during the day. [5]

Of course, none of these statistics are actually true, but I believe them. Alcoholic-Addicts have a habit of assuming the general population is as degenerate as the people around them; we fail to recognize that we attract only the lowest common denominators of society into our inner circles. This gives us an extremely skewed view of our actions; we assume if everybody we know acts a certain way, then everybody on the planet does too-they just don’t admit it.

Fuzzy math, however, is not relegated to the dregs of society; everyone practices some form of it. My favorite example, one that invariably pops up whenever there is a spike in gas prices, is the list of what everyday liquids would cost if we extrapolated their current price into price per gallon. For instance, a gallon of maple syrup would cost $40, a gallon of shampoo would run $94, and a gallon of Starbucks coffee would eclipse the GDP of most developed countries. The hack journalists who throw these articles together overlook the fact that I don’t need a fucking gallon of Starbucks to get to fucking Starbucks. I don’t use that much shampoo in a year, and I’m pretty sure only Canadians buy maple syrup by the gallon.

My generation has built it’s entire worldview and self-identity on this concept of making artificial connections. We are the first generation to be told from birth that we are special, unique, talented individuals who can achieve anything as long as we have that “Can-Do Spirit”.[6] Our school systems are based on the idea of preparing every student for college, even though most of the students in those public systems will have careers that require no special skill or training beyond a three-hour orientation VHS.

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[1] One of the many reasons I consider it a redneck bar: the fucking thing is in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart

[2] Everywhere else closes at one…even on the weekends

[3] Happy Ramadan, Ali! Sunset’s at 5:37

[4] 57% still smoke on a regular basis

[5] These people have obviously never been in Laurice White’s car headed to Crabtree on Christmas Eve morning…scariest experience of my entire life. Not recommended.

[6] This is the actual motto of my middle school, Broadview. It was relentlessly pounded into our heads on a daily basis-even as we were separated into “Gifted” and “non-Gifted” classrooms